Isolation and Emotional Abuse
The beginning of a new relationship is always fun and exciting. After those first few awkward meet-ups, the physical and emotional intensity—and intimacy—begins to grow into a real, potentially lasting relationship. In the excitement of this new relationship, it’s easy to neglect old friends in your desire to spend every waking minute with your new partner.
As a healthy relationship matures, a new balance gradually emerges. Slowly, you and your partner begin to grow into each other’s lives. You meet and socialize with each other’s family and friends, while still enjoying quality time together. At the same time, both partners continue to pursue relationships and social time with family and friends on their own.
In an abusive relationship, however, this healthy balance does not emerge. Isolation—in which the abuser slowly severs all emotional ties except the one to him/her—is one of the earliest signs of emotional and/or physical abuse. And unfortunately, it is extremely effective, subtle, and difficult to detect.
Yet while isolation may be difficult to detect, it’s not impossible to recognize. Here are six warning signs that your partner is isolating you from your support network.
1. Your partner insists on as much one-on-one time as possible
One-on-one time should be part of any long-term, healthy relationship. But when all of your time is spent solely with your partner, to the total exclusion of other relationships, it could be a warning sign that he or she is trying to isolate you. While his or her requests for all your time can feel romantic, that romance may be a thin cover to hide what is, in fact, an increasing amount of control and domination.
2. Your partner refuses to interact with your friends and family
Family and friends are an important part of your life, and your SO should want to get to know them. An abuser, however, will actively avoid those relationships. He or she may refuse to spend time with your friends or family. He or she may be so actively rude or unpleasant to them that they refuse to spend time with him.
This tactic also reinforces the abuser’s emotional manipulation and gaslighting, as he or she deflects the blame for the worsening relationships onto your family/friends.
3. Your partner invents reasons why you should not see friends and family
Does your partner cancel your plans without asking or come up with alternative plans any time you mention spending time with your friends and family? On hearing that you plan to eat out with friends, for example, he (or she) will say, “I just made reservations for us to eat out together” or “My mother just told me she’s coming to dinner with us together”, although it’s clear that these plans weren’t formed until he/she heard about your plans.
Again, this spontaneity can feel romantic at first, but when this behavior becomes a pattern of preventing you from seeing your family and friends, it should be a warning sign
4. Your partner uses jealousy, guilt, or other emotional manipulation
Jealousy and guilt are both powerful forms of emotional manipulation that abusers use to great effect when trying to isolate their partner from family and friends.
“Making you feel guilty” because you enjoy spending time with other friends, for example, implies that spending time with other friends is wrong, when in fact it’s perfectly normal and healthy. He or she might say that you care more for your friends or family than you do for him or her. Or he or she might constantly tell you that he (or she) is the only one who really understands and loves you.
Claiming to be jealous can be another powerful tool in the abuser’s arsenal. To prevent your partner’s jealousy, you give up certain friendships to “prove” that you love him/her. And giving up these friendships, again, plays into the abuser’s gaslighting narrative that your isolation is your fault.
5. Your partner checks in on you constantly
It’s normal for both partners in a committed relationship to know where the other’s plans and check in on them—occasionally. However, when checking in turns into constant surveillance, that could be a sign that your partner is trying to isolate you. For example, your partner may call you every hour or more frequently the entire time that you are out. He or she may get angry or abusive if you don’t return a call or a text instantaneously. Hanging around unrequested while you eat or shop with friends, or unexpectedly showing up to “give you a ride” or “just to check in” are all signs that your SO does not want you to have the freedom to socialize with friends and family outside the relationship.
6. Your partner insists on knowing all your passwords
Monitoring all forms of communication with the outside world is another controlling tactic that can be a signal of isolation and emotional abuse. Your partner may insist that you share email addresses and give him the passwords to your phone and social media accounts, for instance. He or she may insist on reading all of your text messages or even tell you what you can—or cannot—say.
By controlling your ability to speak openly and freely with the outside world, the abusive partner is preventing you from sharing your feelings, getting a different perspective on “normal” relationships, and ultimately, asking for help.
Emotional abuse—and isolation as a control tactic—can be difficult to recognize. But it is no less dangerous and damaging than physical abuse. If these or other warning signs resonate with you, listen to your instinct and know that help is available. Asking for help is difficult, especially if you have been isolated from your support network. But no matter how long it’s been, your friends and family are worried about you, and they will be there to help, support, and love you.
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